Gaslighting by Proxy: How to Recognise It and Protect Yourself
- W M
- Aug 23
- 3 min read
Gaslighting by proxy is when someone manipulates others into doubting their perception of you. Which makes you doubt your reality. For example, they spread twisted stories to beforehand so that when you defend yourself, everyone else already sees you as “overreacting” or “the problem.”
Shalmalee Gadgil
23rd August 2025
What Is Gaslighting by Proxy?
Gaslighting by proxy is when someone uses others to manipulate your reality — deliberately twisting the narrative through third parties before you can present your side.
Three key tactics, as described by Professor Sam Vaknin:
Flying Monkeys: Allies of the abuser relay false stories to distort your reality.
Triangulation: A third party is inserted into the conflict to provoke an emotional reaction while isolating you.
Drama Triangle Roles: Manipulating roles like rescuer, persecutor, or victim to control perception.
These tactics aren't just misunderstandings — they’re strategic moves to isolate, destabilise, and delegitimise your perspective.
What the Research Says About Gaslighting By Proxy?
A 2023 qualitative study found gaslighting exploits your insecurity in perceiving reality ("epistemic incompetence"), allowing the manipulator to evade accountability and control you.
Sociologically, gaslighting often entangles gender norms and power imbalances, particularly in intimate and institutional contexts, reinforcing systemic belittlement.
In a broader review, gaslighting’s ongoing impact on victims’ mental health, self-worth, and societal well-being is highlighted, with calls for a multidisciplinary response.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Gaslighting by Proxy
"They twist the story before you even speak."
"People treat you differently — no explanation offered."
"Your reactions are dismissed as overreactions."
"You’re confronted with versions of your words you never said."
"You feel isolated from people you once trusted."
⚠️ Pause Before Labelling!
Not every conflict is gaslighting. Miscommunication, bias, or stress can feel confusing. Clinical experts caution against overusing the label. Ask: Is this one-off confusion—or a consistent, undermining pattern?
How to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting By Proxy?
Document Patterns: Keep records of what’s said, when, and by whom — clarity combats memory distortion.
Get a Reality Check: Test your perception with a trusted, neutral person. This counters isolation.
Set Firm Boundaries: You don’t owe endless explanations. Silence can be a powerful resistance.
Activate the Grey-Rock Technique: When you can't disengage (e.g., at work), respond minimally and neutrally to reduce emotional fuel for manipulators.
Protect Your Mind & Self-Worth: Gaslighting damages trust in your perceptions. Building resilience through therapy or self-compassion is essential.
Seek Professional Support: If the experience feels overwhelming, therapy provides safe validation, reality-testing, and healing — especially in cases of repeated undermining behaviour.
Don't jump to conclusions: Is this really Gaslighting by Proxy or something else?
It’s natural to wonder if persistent suspicion signals a mental health issue. Here’s how to differentiate:
Gaslighting by Proxy | Paranoid Delusions / Suspicion |
Directed by someone else; a pattern of manipulation. | Internally generated, fixed false beliefs (e.g., "everyone is out to get me"). |
You notice a coordinated effort involving others. | Persistent, pervasive distrust or delusions across contexts. |
Reality-testing remains possible (you can check with others). | Beliefs held despite evidence and reassurance. |
Distrust is specific and situational. | Distrust is global and self-driven. |
Clinical inference: Paranoid Personality Disorder involves broad distrust; Delusional Disorder involves specific, unshakeable beliefs. Both differ significantly from gaslighting, which is externally orchestrated. This can only be confirmed by a trained Clinical Psychologist.
Be wise: Gaslighting isn’t the same as clinical paranoia—but repeated emotional invalidation deserves real attention.
Empower yourself against Gaslighting by Proxy:
Seek therapy to rebuild self-trust, clarity, resilience, and reanchor your reality.